STEP4: FOREGIVENESS

It’s a very human thing to experience anger towards those who have hurt or offended you. This is especially true when those people we expected and needed to model and teach us love, grace and acceptance - and to care for and protect us - did not do so. The pain we feel in our lives because of the physical, verbal, emotional, sexual and spiritual abuse we have suffered can be devastating.

Although we cannot reverse the wrongs done to us, we can be free from their hold over our lives. Jesus Christ can enter into those wounded places and begin to heal the damage done to our souls. That healing begins when we make a choice to forgive from our hearts.

Paul writes in Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV) ³¹Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. ³²Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Christ forgave us when He took the eternal consequences for our sins upon Himself. When we forgive others, we are agreeing to live with the temporary consequences of their sin. It seems unfair, but the only real choice we have is between living with the consequences in the bondage of bitterness, or in the freedom of forgiveness.

To forgive means to choose not to hold someone’s sin against them anymore. It means cancelling the debt and letting them off your hook, though knowing the are not off God’s hook. It is choosing to release the person and what they did into God’s hands, trusting Him to deal with that person justly - something you are simply not able to do. It is believing that Jesus died for the sin of the person who sinned against you. And it is letting go of the right to seek revenge.

Forgiveness means that you accept that what was done to you by the offender cannot be changed. It involves recognizing that holding onto your anger hurts you the most, so forgiveness is necessary for your freedom.

Forgiving from the heart
Do you want to stop the pain? Do you want Jesus’ healing in your life? Do you want to have a deeper experience of God’s love in your own heart? Then you need to forgive from the heart. To forgive from the heart means you mean what you say, and you mean what you pray. How do you come to the point of sincerity? By acknowledging the hurt and the hate you feel. Then remembering that you are not deserving of God’s forgiveness either, but that He freely gave it to you through Christ. It is experiencing God’s forgiveness in your own life that frees you to forgive others.

Forgiving someone from the heart means that you are honest with God and yourself about how the offense(s) made you feel. You allow Jesus to bring to the surface the feelings that you have held inside for so long, so that He can begin to heal those emotional hurts and pain.

Begin this crucial step by praying the following prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank You for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance and patience towards me, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance. I confess that I have not shown that same kindness and patience towards those who have hurt and offended me. Instead I have held on to my anger, bitterness and resentment towards them. I realize too, that at times I have been hard on myself, being unwilling to forgive myself and living with a heavy burden of regret.
Please, bring to my mind all the people I need to forgive in order that I may do so now.
In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
Romans 2:4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

Making the choice
We encourage you to make a complete list (by name if possible) of all the people or group of people the Lord brings to your mind, who you need to forgive. Use a separate sheet of paper. Here are some suggestions:

• Parents and other family members who abused me in any way or caused me to believe I was worthless and unlovable or valuable only when I “performed well”.
• Ministers and other church leaders who hurt me by fostering a performance-based rather than a grace-based environment.
• School teachers or officials who were harsh, critical or judging.
• Other people who stifled the free expression of grace or spiritual liberty in my life and who forced me to conform to unattainable standards.
• Others who were used by the enemy to rob me of freedom and joy, including any perpetrators of abuse or neglect.
• Myself; for imposing heavy burdens or unattainable standards upon my family; for leading or influencing my church into legalism; for attacking those teaching freedom and grace; for being hurtful, hateful, critical or judgmental towards others; for robbing others of freedom and joy by my attitudes, words and actions.
• God Himself. Although He has done no wrong, we may have had false expectations of what He was going to do in our lives or questions about why He allowed certain things to happen. It is vital for our freedom that we acknowledge these feelings (after all, He already knows about them and they don’t make a jot of difference to His love for us), make a choice to put our trust in Him again even though we may feel He abandoned us in our time of need, because the truth is He has never left us of forsaken us (Hebrews 13:5) and He “does all things well” (Mark 7:37).

Use the prayer below as a beginning point to choose to forgive those on your list. When you are ready, start with the first person on your list, forgiving him or her from your heart for every painful memory the Lord brings to your mind. Once you can’t think of anything else to forgive that person for, move onto the next one on your list, and so on. Don’t worry if it takes a long time.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I choose to forgive

Once you have forgiven all those on your list, pray a blessing over them:

Dear Heavenly Father,
I choose no longer to seek revenge or to hold onto my bitterness towards