Family Estrangement: Why Adults are Cutting off their parents. Full article
“Despite a lack of hard data, there is a growing perception among therapists, psychologists and sociologists that this kind of intentional parent-child ‘break-up’ is on the rise in western countries.” —-BBC, Dec 21, 2021
Why is it becoming so much harder for us to honor our parents?
Is there a better way forward? I believe that the solution is found in today’s Commandment:
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. —Exodus 20:12
When do we have to obey our parents?
Two misconceptions:
1. Honoring your parents means always obeying them.
2. Honoring parents is for young children.
Paul uses the commandment this way in Ephesians 6, but this is a specific application of a broader principle:
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” —Ephesians 6:1-3
Paul is saying that young children need to obey their parents, because everyone is to honor their parents.
Jesus always honored his earthly parents, but did not always obey them.
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. —Luke 14:26
As a child: Jesus honored through obedience (Luke 2)
As an adult: Jesus view of his parent’s authority had changed.
48 He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” 49 Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” —Matthew 12:48-50
It was right for Jesus to come out from under the authority of his earthly parents and come under the authority of his heavenly father.
If honor looks different at different stages, is there anything that honor always means?
Honor always means:
Treating our parents with dignity and courtesy, and seeking their long-term good.
We can honor our parents and still:
1. Disagree with them.
2. Confront their sin.
3. Negotiate compromises.
4. Set healthy boundaries.
There are both honoring and dishonoring ways to do each of these.
Parental authority is meant to be a model of God’s authority, and is not meant to last forever.
A new kind of problem: Dishonoring parents as a sign of personal growth.
Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
While there’s nothing especially modern about family conflict or a desire to feel insulated from it, conceptualizing the estrangement of a relationship with a family member as an expression of personal growth and achievement is almost certainly new.
—Dr. Joshua Coleman, Ph.D
The Myth of Mental Illness: Foundations of a Theory of Personal Contact
The modern story invites us to focus on the most difficult experiences with our parents in understanding our childhood. Compare with Philippians 4:8.
8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. —Philippians 4:8
4 Reasons to honor a parent who is dishonorable:
1: God Commands it, and says it will go well with you if you do it.
2: Your relationship with your parents affects your relationship with God.
3: Because honor begets honor, and shame begets shame.
4: Because Jesus chose to honor us.