The Connection Code
Part 2: Communicate Safely
God created us as connectors. We need connection with Him, and connection with others. Genesis 2:18-25:
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him”… there was no helper just right for him.”
Adam was alone and incomplete. So, God made him a perfectly matched companion “Ezer Kenegdo”. God’s plan for you is ezer kenegdo: strong, supportive, complementary and equal partners! The Connection Code helps, which is a simple 4-Step Process that’s Biblically based and yet grounded in neuroscience and psychology:
Step 1: Care Intelligently
You can’t pour from an empty cup Matthew 22:39 (CEV) “The second most important commandment is like this one. And it is, “Love others as much as you love yourself.”
Simple 4-Step Plan For Self-Care:
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 2: Communicate Safely
I John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
The Connection Code is essentially a code or blueprint or roadmap for creating connection. It starts with Caring Intelligently, where you care intelligently for you, so you have a little left over in the tank to care for others.
Then, we don’t rush off to connect with others. Instead, we look to create the conditions for connection, and the conditions for connection are created when we learn Communicate Safely.
The brain of every person is wired to protect them, and so in every relationship we either put up a wall or a bridge. When we Communicate Safely with people, they feel good about putting up bridges rather than walls. When we Communicate Safely, we are creating the conditions for connection.
We see this in how God engaged with Hagar in Genesis 16:
“1 Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; 2 so she
said to Abram, “The LORD has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said. 3 So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife.
4 He slept with Hagar, and she conceived. When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. 5 Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the LORD judge between you and me.”
6 “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.
Backstory: Abram tried to make God’s promise happen on his own through Hagar. Hagar was the servant of Abram’s wife Sarai, and she was childless. So, she offered her servant Hagar to Abram to provide a child to him. Hagar became pregnant with Abram’s child, and there was rivalry between Sarai and Hagar. Sarai abused Hagar to the point that she fled into the wilderness.
Have you noticed that when we don’t feel safe, we flee? Actually, the name “HAGAR” means “fear” or “flight”. And when we flee, we don’t flee to the smartest places: Wilderness.
“7 The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur…”
The angel FOUND Hagar God went looking for her, and He looks for you too when you don’t feel safe,
The angel found her in the wilderness, near a spring, by a wall (“SHUR”),
“8 And he said, “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running
away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered. 9 Then the angel of the LORD told her, “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” 10 The angel added, “I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count.”
“Hagar” God knows your name (“HAGAR”) and your issue (“FLIGHT/FEAR”),
“Slave of Sarai” God knows your trauma and He knows your pain,
“Where have you come from?” God knows where you’ve been,
“Where are you going?” God knows where you’re going,
“Go back to your mistress and submit to her” God asks you to do the hard,
“I will increase…” God has a plan to bless you! Jeremiah 29:11
11 The angel of the LORD also said to her: “You are now pregnant and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard of your misery…”
13 She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” 14 That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi; it is still there, between Kadesh and Bered. 15 So Hagar bore Abram a son, and Abram gave the name Ishmael to the son she had borne. 16 Abram was eighty-six years old when Hagar bore him Ishmael.”
When God Found Hagar, He Modelled 3 Aspects of Communicating Safely:
1. Safety Is Created When People Feel Seen El Roi: “The God Who Sees Me”:
v.13 “…You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” The name, El Roi, reflects that God is aware. God sees not just her physical situation but also her pain, fears, and future. Even though she is an Egyptian servant, considered insignificant by people, God recognizes her value and calls her by name. God cares for the marginalized and overlooked. God cares for you!
2. Safety Is Created When People Feel Heard Ishmael: “God Hears”:
God not only sees Hagar, but He hears her. He instructs her to return to Sarai and promises that her son will become the father of a great nation. The name Ishmael means “God hears,” showing her cries in the wilderness did not go unnoticed “You shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard of your misery.”
By naming her son Ishmael, God gives Hagar a perpetual reminder that He listens. Every time she calls her son’s name; she is reminded that God is attentive to her voice and the cries of her heart. God listens to the broken-hearted and responds with love.
3. Safety Is Created When People Feel Understood The God Who Understands You:
Genesis 16:8 “Hagar, slave of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” God’s interaction with Hagar is personal. He acknowledges her past, her suffering, and her pain – and He offers a future with hope.
• He Acknowledges Who She Is: “Hagar, slave of Sarai…” (Genesis 16:8). God is saying that He knows she is afraid, that she is a slave, and that He affirms her, loves her, validates her, and will care for her.
• He Asks Her A Question: “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” This question is not because God lacks information but because He is drawing Hagar into self-reflection and intimacy with Him.
• He Makes A Covenant-Like Promise: “I will increase your descendants so much that they will be too numerous to count”. This is remarkable because God typically makes such promises to patriarchs like Abraham, and yet here He extends His big promise to Hagar as well.
God shows that He understands her complex reality—her past as a servant, her pain in the present, and her future as the mother of a great people. God meets you where you are, offering understanding, guidance, and a future, even in hardship. Through her encounter with God, Hagar experiences a profound transformation. She moves from feeling abandoned and invisible to being seen, heard, and understood.
God modelled The Connection Code here. He Communicated SAFELY with Hagar – the woman bound by fear who fled – by helping her feel seen, heard, and understood.
Remember I John 4:18? “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
We Communicate SAFELY When We Demonstrate:
I
I
I
So how can we COMMUNICATE SAFELY in every human interaction?
The SCARF Model (Rock, 2008):
AUTONOMY Give Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
RELATEDNESS Find Connections I Corinthians 9:19-23: “For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win the more; and to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the law, as under the law, that I might win those who are under the law; to those who are without law, as without law (not being without law toward God, but under law toward Christ), that I might win those who are without law; to the weak I became as weak, that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some…”
