GOING WAY BEYOND “HOOKED ON A FEELING”
John 21:15-17
I. INTRODUCTION:
A. Clarifying the unconditional marital roles for a Christ-
centered marriage: (Equal yet different roles)
1. “A servant-leader is a husband who makes decisions for his
wife and children that from Christ’s perspective, are the best thing for
them, at the expense of himself. Being a servant leader is
responsibility, not rank; it is a sacrifice, not selfishness; it is duty, not
domination. The daily sting of his own death to self, is always the
beginning point for his servant-leadership.” (Mk. 10:42-45; Lk. 22:25-26;
Eph. 5:25)
2. “A helper is a wife who is a husband lover and a child lover,
giving the woman a dual role in a marriage. Being a husband lover
simply means being available to him, giving him time, energy,
prioritizing him over anyone and everything (including her career,
ministry, family relationships, activities) but Christ; giving thought and
creativity to continually building him up at the expense of criticizing
and tearing him down. Her husband needs the awesome power of her
“being there” to be unleashed on him and If Christ blesses her with
children, they will also need this attention, support, and love unleashed
on them, while continuing to prioritize her husband.” (Tit. 2:4-5)
B. Imperative commands to obey in building a Christ-
centered marriage:
1. “Bowing the knee” (worship) to Christ’s commands for every
husband:
a. Love her (after the fact): vv. 23, 25, 28-29, 33
b. Lead her: v. 23 (Compare Gen. 3:6 with 3:16)
c. Nurture her in the things of Christ: v. 29
d. Be faithful to her for life: v. 31 (Mt. 19:3-9)
e. Financially provide for her: (Eph. 6:5-9; I Tim. 5:8)
- “Bowing the knee” (worship) to Christ’s commands for every
wife:
a. Submit to your husband’s leadership: vv. 22-24
(Gen. 3:16) (I Tim. 2:12-14; I Cor. 14:34-35; Isa. 3:12)
b. Reverence your husband: v. 33b (I Pet. 3:1-2, 6)
c. Love your husband and your children (after the fact):
(Tit. 2:4)
d. Live with him till death: v. 31 (Rom. 7:2-3)
II. ADDRESSING THE MUTUAL “LOVE COMMAND” FOR
EITHER MATE: (Ephesians 5:25, 28-29; Titus 2:4)
A. Vital information to embrace regarding this “love
command”: (Protect and provide, the basis for all of Christ’s
commands)
1. It is a “learned” command:
2. It is a “perpetual” command:
3. It is a “worshipful” unconditional command – “as unto the
Lord”:
B. Changing your mind about love (It is a choice and not a
feeling):
1. Romantic (eros) love: It is a deep physical attraction and
sexual appetite for someone of either sex. It is “self-centered” and
“self satisfying”. Webster defines romantic love as “to make foolish,
cause to lose sound judgment, to inspire with shallow affection.” It
is best described as ”infatuation”. If it is not kept within Biblical
boundaries, it will override the individual’s values. It can trap an
individual into marriage by giving the illusion that this experience
and feeling will last forever when in reality, it is relatively short lived.
Romantic love has repeated ends and repeated beginnings causing
the individual to ”fall out of love” as quickly as he “falls into love”.
Romantic (eros) love tends to be consumed with self-driven, “I”
feelings. (“Eros” never used in Bible) (gal-emotional vs. guy-
physical)
- Friendship (phileo) love: It is a relationship of mutual
admiration when both parties “give and take” to accomplish a
common goal. It is more “others” centered than eros love, but it still
rises and falls on whether one individual “takes too much” or “gives
too little”. When expectations are not fulfilled, the relationship drifts
apart. Phileo love lasts longer than eros love, but given time, it
usually comes to a premature end. It specializes in “lets make a
deal”. When this love grows cold, the tendency is not to be involved
in another one again. (“Phileo” used 25 times in the New Testament)
- Christ-like (agape) love: It is a love that can only come from
God that is others centered and others satisfying. It is an
unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. It seeks the
highest good for the other expecting nothing in return. It is not a
feeling but a determined act of the will, (Mt. 22:37-40; Mk. 12:35-37;
Lk.20:41-44) which always results in determined acts of self-giving. (I
Jn. 3:16; Rom. 5:8; Jn. 15:13) Agape love is the willful, joyful choice
(Heb. 12:2) to put the welfare of your mate/children above your own.
Christ-like (agape) love is not just an emotional attraction, but
selfless, humble service to meet the needs of your mate, no matter
how lowly the service or how underserving the mate being served.
(Rom. 5:8; I Jn. 2:2; 4:10; 5:3; Mt. 5:44) It transforms romantic (eros)
love into a dynamic fulfilling marriage. It transforms friendship
(phileo) love into a warm and meaningful bond of unselfish service,
loving unselfishly and sacrificially with no strings attached. Because
mankind is created in the image of God, there is a limited measure
built into everyone. But there is not enough to give out for an
extended length of time due to mankind’s fallen nature, so daily
choices must be made so that God can replenish this love from His
unlimited resources. In other words, Christ-like (agape) love is not a
contract because a contract has “if clauses”. “If you do this, I will do
that”. It also has no escape clauses like contracts do. Christ-like
(agape) love is a vow of commitment to your mate like Christ’s vow
of commitment to every believer, free of all “if clauses” and “escape
clauses”. (“Agape” over 200 times in the New Testament) “Phileo”
and “agape” contrasted in
John 21:15-17 – it will take time and concentrated effort)
a. “Phileo” involves finding the right person:
b. “Agape” involves being or becoming the right person:
C. Using Christ as the model:
1. In the Old Testament (Christ’s love vs. Israel’s love):
(Leviticus)
2. IN the New Testament (Christ’s love vs. Peter’s love):
(Rom. 5:8; Jn. 3:16; *Jn. 21:15-17)
a. Perpetual obedience, the remedy: (Jn. 15:9-14; Gal. 6:9)
(Choice not a feeling)
- Christ isn’t as much interested in using you to change your mate/child as much
as He is using your mate/child to change you.
b. The daily reality, “dying to self”: (Mt. 16:24; Mk. 8:34;
Lk. 9:23) (See attached handout)
III. PRINCIPLES TO PERSONALLY APPLY:
(Together becoming “people of the Word” in practice)
A. Perpetual agape love – “dying to self”, is foundational
and transformational to your marriage/home.
(Eph. 5; Tit. 2) (Phileo vs. agape) (Feelings vs. facts?)
B. Perpetual agape love – dying to self, is foundational
and transformational to the church, the bride of Christ.
(Jn. 15:11-12; Eph. 3:17; I Thes. 3:12; I Pet. 4:8) (Phileo vs. agape)
(Feelings vs. facts?)
C. Perpetual agape love – dying to self, is foundational
and transformational to your relationship with the
Bridegroom. (greatest command of them all - Mt. 22:37; Mk. 12:30-
31; Lk. 10:27) (Jn. 15:11b; Rev. 19:7-8) (Phileo vs. agape) (Feelings
vs. facts?)
Sinners Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father, I was made by you and I was made for you, but
I have been living for myself. I am sorry for that self-rule you call sin.
I believe that Jesus Christ being my creator God, died, was buried,
and rose again to pay the insurmountable debt that my sin has
created since birth. So right now, I am turning from a life of going my
own way, to by faith, place my trust in Jesus Christ, to pay the debt of
all my sin, and to get me to heaven, when I breath my last breath.
Lord Jesus, from today on, I am yours. Thanks for saving me, this
very moment, in Jesus name, Amen.
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