Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict. -William Channen

Why We Fight

James 4:1-3
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Reason #1 : Power and control

Reason #2 : Insecurity from past hurt

Reason #3 : Personal and gender differences

Reason #4 : Misunderstood feelings or unmet needs

Reason #5 : Selfishness

Shoot for a Triple Win

“You do not have because you do not ask God”

Matthew 5:23-24
So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

Ways to Fight Right

Tip #1 : Major on the major, not the minor

Proverbs 19:11 NLT
Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.

Tip #2 : Be gentle and respectful

Galatians 6:1 NLT
Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.

The Sharing Grace Podcast

“The one who has a good friend needs no mirror.” -Rumi

Use “I” statements, not “You” statements
Avoid Exaggerating
One problem at a time
Attack the problem, not the person

Tip #3 : Avoid fighting publicly

Tip #4 : Listen twice as much as I talk

James 1:19
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

Proverbs 18:13
Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.

Tip #5 : Own my part by practicing the Triple A

Admit my wrong
Apologize sincerely
Ask for forgiveness

Phrases that save relationships:

If it bothers you, it matters to me.

I was thinking about what happened earlier and I want to apologize. Forgive me.

Thank you for having patience with me. I’m still learning this stuff.

It’s ok to mess up. Nobody is perfect.

Tip #6 : Be quick to forgive

Colossians 3:13 NLT
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

To forgive - Means to release your offender or to pardon them.

“Forgiveness is giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me.” -Dr. Archibald Hart

Tip #7 : Bring Gospel hope to the conflict

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

A Plan for a Peace Conference

Step 1 : Set a good time and good place for discussion.

Step 2 : Clarify the issue.

Step 3 : Own my part. Ask the other person to own their part.

Step 4 : Brainstorm ways to resolve the conflict.

Step 5 : Agree on one solution to try and define each person’s responsibility.

Step 6 : Set up a follow-up discussion.

Step 7 : Celebrate wins and progress.

“There are many opinions … I am not (always) sure whether they are right or wrong, but there is one thing I am sure of: courtesy and kindness and tolerance and humility and fairness are right. Opinions may be mistaken. Love never is.” -Harry Emerson Fosdick