Adaptability - The Neglected Secret to Relationships
May 19, 2019
A couple’s subjective well-being is determined by each person’s ability to adjust to circumstances beyond his or her control. — UCLA Research
How different might the Christmas story have been, if Mary and Joseph had not had the capacity to adjust to things beyond their control?
Learning to be content in every circumstance
“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11–13 NIV
Pitfalls to Adaptability
1.
Self pity blinds us to other people’s needs, and prevents us from having empathy.
Self-Pity of Jonah
“When God saw what they had done and how they had put a stop to their evil ways, he changed his mind and did not carry out the destruction he had threatened. This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry. So he complained to the Lord about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people. Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.” Jonah 3:10-4:1-3
Contrast with Job
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord as taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” Job 1:20–21
2.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” Matthew 7:3–5
“Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.” Romans 14:13
3.
Resentment is like a cancer to relationships. It’s a poison that spreads. It affects our minds and ability to have healthy relationships.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31–32
How to Become More Adaptable
1. Self
“Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith,” 2 Corinthians 13:5
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you” Romans 12:3
2. Cultivate
Gratitude is the insurance against self-pity and blame.
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
3. Practice
Forgiveness is the only way to guard against resentment.
Illustration from Rwanda… http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/05/15/amanpour.rwanda/
Adaptability is not meant to be a trite answer to the harsh realities of life. It is not about pushing aside, denying or ignoring pain and suffering. Adaptability grows out of a deep trust that God is at work even in the pain. It allows us to look beyond, to see the beauty of God’s grace in the midst of our circumstances.
“I wonder too … if the rent in the canvas of our life backdrop, the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God. That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.”
— Ann Voskamp