Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.” —Matthew 22:36-40
Jesus said that these two commandments are the foundation for every detail of the 600+ commandments within the Law of Moses. Every aspect of the Jewish life was to be built upon these two simple commandments.
In a similar way, there are some foundational principles that every marriage should be built on.
Good marriages are neither magic nor chemistry. They don’t just happen. They are the result of effort from the husband and wife as they learn good relationship skills and practice them.
BUILDING BLOCKS
Communication
Love
Respect
Trust
Humility, Forgiveness, Selflessness, A Sense of Humor, Encouragement, Romance…
Communication
The greatest communicators are not the ones teaching, giving speeches or standing in front of crowds. They’re the ones hearing, understanding and putting themselves in the other person’s skin.
So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. —James 1:19,20
Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. —Proverbs 1:8
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom … —Proverbs 2:1
My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart, for they will prolong your life… —Proverbs 3:1
Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. —Proverbs 4:1
Peace Prayer of Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
Do you listen…or listen impatiently?
Do you listen to hear what they have to say…or listen for a chance to interrupt?
You have not because you ask not. —James 4:2
A rebel shouts in anger; a wise man holds his temper in and cools it. —Proverbs 29:11 (TLB)
Step One: Learn how to hold your temper in rather than say hurtful things.
Step Two: Learn how to cool your temper rather than stew on it.
A fool utters all his mind, but a wise man keeps it in until afterwards. —Proverbs 29:11 (MEV)
Step Three: Share your feelings and thoughts gently, after you’ve calmed down your emotions—especially your temper.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. —Proverbs 15:1
Trust (The Fruit of Faithfulness)
Trust is earned through the practice of faithfulness.
Faithfulness encompasses every area of our lives. We are to be faithful in our speech, in our actions and in our hearts.
Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. —Matthew 5:27,28
Porn is obviously an act of adultery. But lest we fall into the pitfall of the Pharisees, we need to remember that Jesus made this statement to men who looked down their noses in self-righteousness while lusting in their thoughts over women they only saw fully dressed! We need to guard our thoughts!
Most affairs begin as innocent friendships that lose their innocence as we begin divulging private information, especially our emotional difficulties, to someone other than our spouse. We build emotional bonds and intimacy that belong to our spouse.
Those who built on the wall, and those who carried burdens, loaded themselves so that with one hand they worked at construction, and with the other held a weapon. —Nehemiah 4:17
“… I vow to cling to you and only to you, forsaking all others…”
Sexual faithfulness is two-fold. It’s choosing not to cling to someone outside the marriage and it’s choosing to cling to our spouse. Refusing to share physical affection with your spouse is an act of unfaithfulness.
Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. —1 Corinthians 7:1-5
Love & Respect
Nevertheless let each one of you (husbands) in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. —Ephesians 5:33
“Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but let each one esteem (respect) others as better than himself.” —Philippians 2:3
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. —1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. —Ephesians 5:25-29
Improve Your Marriage
Every marriage can be better.
Don’t give up hope. Seek help from:
a marriage class or group at Grace
biblical counseling
licensed counseling
someone whose marriage you respect